2014 - What Kind Of Creature Am I?

by Toehider

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  • Full Digital Discography

    Get all 24 Toehider releases available on Bandcamp and save 20%.

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of I LIKE IT!, "GOOD", 2015 - Mainly Songs About Robots, 12 EPs in 12 Months - The First Six, 12 EPs in 12 Months - The Last Six, 2014 - What Kind Of Creature Am I?, WHOA!, Best of the "12EPs in 12 months", and 16 more. , and , .

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  • Full back catalogue
    Compact Disc (CD) + Digital Album

    You'll get the new album 'What Kind of Creature Am I?' plus 'To Hide Her', 'The First Six' and 'The Last Six' all together!

    Includes unlimited streaming of 2014 - What Kind Of Creature Am I? via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

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    Compact Disc (CD) + Digital Album

    Come in a lovely digipack case with awesome artwork by Andrew 'Salty' Saltmarsh

    Includes unlimited streaming of 2014 - What Kind Of Creature Am I? via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

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“Ok but this is the LAST thing" I said to my good friend, "If this bombs man, if this time it doesn’t fly… I’m throwing the towel in. I tire of these welts from banging my head against the wall…” and with that (quite startled) I saw her trespassing Her hands were deep within my bin out on the curb “Excuse me, but what are...” my words interrupted (as) she pierced her gaze into my eyes “You seem like a good boy” she reached in her pocket “You look like you could hold your own and last a game!!” She just started giggling, quite uncontrollably Pulled up a chair! Tied back her hair! With not a care, whipped out a deck of cards Opened the box, I looked at my watch, she pulled up her socks and dealt a hand of 5 (1,2,3,4,5) I tried to explain that I had to be somewhere, She pressed her finger to my lips and shooshed me down “just sit in your chair there, you're right where you should be You got no better place to go! Now, “The rules of the game” she continued, “are simple - Regardless of your card, the number, or its suit, You place it on top of the pile in the centre, And simply say the number “5”... She seemed unconcerned with the turn of my eyebrow And pushed me down the second I tried to get up And that was the point I lost my sense of humour... "So, what, that’s it? You’re full of shit!" She didn't quit, no, it's like she didn't hear "so! Now you know the way it goes, let's play and... OH! So here's the final rule - YOU AND I BOTH LOSE, BUT 5 WINS!! "You've GOT to be joking?" I said, fully puzzled. "That's easily the dumbest card game of all time So, what, we just sit here, and stack up our hands...and No matter what, we call a 5?" She then scratched her finger up hard on her jawbone and said "look man, it isn't me that makes the rules... I'm merely concerned with the teaching, the playing... The execution of the game" We sat on my front deck, what must have been for hours Just emptying hand after hand of all our cards At some point she left, but I really can't remember... Back to the game. Devote my brain, but it ends the same, no matter what I do. My patience thin, my manic grin, I'll never win - no, 5 will. Every time. You and I both lose, but 5 wins. It's been such a long time, since I've seen that lady (this all happened back in two thousand and five) Try as I might to resist the temptation... I'll still pick up this deck of cards And though she is gone now, I'll always remember The day she taught me of this blasted waste of time But the thing is, dear ,listener, I can't stop from playing Along she came, without a name, and a stupid game Impossible, and still... Just one more time! I'll turn to find Maybe THIS time, arghh I can beat the 5!!! no. You and I both Lose, but 5 wins.
Thanks a lot for sharing this. I like it when you speak so passionately Wait, there must be more than this? I tend to tap out momentarily Every time I close my eyes, I marvel at the power of the mind's persuasion How can I not realise? Who am I to judge? Who am I to disagree? But when you're ramming like the Ram Man, that's when I know it's time to go and get my coat Gagging, choking, puking, when you're forcing your opinions down my throat But whatever makes you feel, whatever makes you feel superior. Somewhere in those hateful eyes, there must be a glimpse of humility and acceptance Somewhere it that grumpy heart, there must be an opening to back when you were young. Look at your friend's faces, don't it look like they're not having any fun? It becomes less about your theory, and more about the feeling that you've won. But whatever makes you feel, whatever makes you feel superior. When you learn you can control it, maybe you’ll realize its the best you’ve ever had And it’s simple when you see it, find it within yourself to just be cool and rad. Whatever Makes You Feel Superior
The thing with me (aside from struggling to get to sleep) Is that this doesn't come that easily, despite the past and all the history I struggle with the continuity, or I lack a certain sense of subtlety I like to finish last, and I kinda chase the past. Oh yes, and see The thing with me, is that I often think I'm in too deep Compulsively and, yes, obsessively, maintain it's down to lack of scenery Or maybe just because I'm la-hazy! Content with an absence of bravery The malison of art, is knowing when to stop, and knowing how to start. And the thing with me (besides my mental health discrepancies) Is that I feel I'm a catastrophe, I break down when there's an emergency Riddled with envy & with jealousy, I've learnt to be content with misery I'll always lose the plot. I cannot join the dots. Oh yes indeed; The thing with me, is that I'm often contradictory I'll like to try to see things differently, I'm often left in such a quandary I think I think way too contrarily, so I'll share my thoughts quite sparingly My cheeks are full of dents, from sitting on the fence And I don't know how to deal with when it stings, So I'll think too much of funny things. The thing with me, is that I find it hard to do it properly It's not that I'll just wander aimlessly, or that I have no sense of decency It's hard for me to take it seriously, the problem's thinking too destructively I'll live it in my mind, and it'll make me less inclined, and so you see The thing with me, is that I lack originality Perhaps I just have no integrity, and maybe steal too much from royalty But it's in my blood, this trace of Mercury, it's been there since I was in infancy I should just let it drop, but it's getting it to stop And I don't know how to deal with feeling sad, And I think that I'm well and truly mad And I don't know how to deal with being wrong, All I know is this is taking WAY too long... The thing with me (besides the things I mentioned previously) Is I enjoy too much of my own company, cut ties like a social vasectomy I'm always struggling financially, but I'd rather live my life romantically Passion over paid. I guess it's how I'm made And the thing with me, if I could say one more thing finally I live & think a bit too lexically, obsessed with words and vocabulary And I always eat so damn unhealthily, I'm on the cusp of plain obesity And I find it hard to breathe so that's the thing with me, now what's the deal with you?
Started once upon the thyme, where a lot of brave and awesome stories start Under some old oak and pines, in the time between the summer and the winter Rolling in an open grave, we see an egg about the size..uh..of an egg? By a monotreme was it laid? Or maybe by a GIANT MADE OF ROCK? ;) oh! Never mind it's origin! We hear and see the egg (of course) begin to crack And slithers out, a creature grey, wearing tiny face full of wonder From a slither to a crawl, the creatures of the bush all introduce themselves Little things like "I'm a bird!" or "I'm a fish!" or "I'm a hungry snake!!" (Scream) He met a lot of things that day, and surely went and met a few ones more Walking now, he found a lake, and he was heard to say; "See. Me? Is that I in Lake reflection? Sloth-hairy, bat-of-a-wing, but Thorny & horned like a rhino? Scale-tailed not unlike a dragon, oh! What kind of creature am I?? Heading further in the bush, it came across a weather-beaten sign - "Annual meeting of the owls - the smartest creatures in the region!" It was something of a barbeque...they were feasting there, on whiskey and sardines, When a crackle under clumsy paw caused them all to stop and turn around.... "We’ve never seen a thing like you! And we’ve seen every creature known to owl!" Gazing through their monocles, with their heads all a-swivelly (as owls do) Then, an information overdose, consulting every book that they could find - Everything from “Count the Frogs!”, to “Pigs and Hogs", to "Spot the Cephalopod!" The parliament was at a loss, hooting puzzled, till one came forth and said “Oh! We haven’t got a clue! But we know who will…” Jewel-eyed? underbite fangers...and whiskers? Claws, paws and toehidden™ blisters Surinam-toad-backed, with ink sac! Funnyboneless, and what's that? A blow hole there on the back of its neck?!? It travelled west (but too far inland...), following the leaf & charcoal map exactly as the owls had drawn. “It’s there” they said, “the weird all-knowing dwells. With mushroom suckers, and enormous brain (proportioned to its brawn.) Diving in the waters for the first time was at first alarming, (calming though it was, eventually) Following the pulsing rhythm of the triple-hearted one, our poor protagonist was heard to speak Failed to feel the water slowly boil, absorbing into bone Gigantism setting in and turning muscle into stone What kind of creature AM..... I?
Smash It Out 02:04
Sorta thought I had it covered till the flicker and the flame threw up from the bottom of my throat And the weasel had a weasling till he came and did this thing and was all, like, “hello”. You know me man, you know I ain’t as good as that! It goes round in my mind, forward, backward in time, it goes in and back out, it goes in, it goes o.. Looks like I may have picked a winner! Going against all that I thought I stood for. A little unwind from nursery rhymes, it’s better than I haven’t thought about You don’t know me girl, you see I ain’t as strong as that Conjuring familiar, I ain’t one for Brahmacharya, when all I really need is to breathe. Swiny sacks of sorrow, snorting swill up in their snout. I’d rather SMASH IT OUT! Too much glitter and not enough chime Over-stayed too much of my time HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Cut your losses, at least you had a little laugh Left arm is your handle, but the right is not the spout? Go on and SMASH IT OUT
You'll only ever be as good as the dumbest things you've done And you'll keep replaying all those arguments you never won And you'll never "see the light" if you've been staring at the sun I'm as bad as you are when it comes to all these things Trading rationale for shooting stars and magic beans And we'll cradle up our secrets like they're worth their weight in dreams But it is what it is, not what it could or should have been And for all it is, it ain't what it was Searching for cause in an endless reasoning When the reason is, well, it's just because I remember that abandonment, I still feel it in my face The muscle memory pokes my cheeks with blissful laughing aches The fatiguing fits are gone now, but I guess the smile won't fade It's easy to be let down if you're casting out too far And yes it's hard to be yourself if you don't know who you are Always want to wish upon that never-falling star Hands tied like a hog, tired & teared up like a child Clenching your hands into fists There's down turned and twinkless wrinkles in your eyes And I know it doesn't seem so, but there is I was dead when I was young, I'll be just as dead too when I'm old Ever since the burning passion charred & became a scarring scold Now I'm cursing at the staring sun, just wishing it was cold. So much more than what it takes to survive It's all sorting the men from the boys Spent my days feeling like I was so damn deprived When all these years I've just been spoilt for choice How could I not have seen I was spoilt for choice?
Whoa 04:31
What a stupid way to end my holiday I’m writing this to let you know that I’m not okay I’ve boarded up the windows and locked up the gates A pen in one hand, in the other, a serrated blade by the time you read this, it will be too late. like a wolf with its howl at my door. Whoa! I started out okay, until the trouble came And with it, sullen blank-eyed staring...rot in the veins... There’s nothing in the way of much to celebrate I guess its best to cut myself off, to isolate It’s lucky, in a way, that I’ve got shit for braaaaiinnsss Like a wolf to a house made of straw (We’ll blow the damn house in…) Whoa! I can’t escape it, aw they’re tryin to get inside of my head I can’t depend on any friends, to me they’re pretty much dead With barely 5 steps from the door, and I’m surrounded in sin I feel the stares, all around me, chaos caving me in Consider this a warning, fully laid out in a letter I tried to call for help but I was stuck, I guess I’ll never remember… Oh so clever… What an awful day to spend in sheer dismay I never ever thought that I would go out this way What a stupid way to end my holiday… Like a wolf with my neck in its jaw Whoa!
On a Tuesdee it was, or maybe it was Sundee My memory’s foggy and flaky at best 5am start, I put my big old hands to working And when the boss wasn’t looking, I went for the axe. With one solid blow, right there near the axe stand I lobbed off my right hand, just sliced it clean off And smart though it did, and it took much endurance Used the cash from my insurance to pay for the ring TELL IT RIGHT - NO MORE YOUR FIBS AND LIES NEVER A SEASON LASTS - UNDER THE FUTURE, WE BURY THE PAST She always hid out in the shadows in the sand dunes And one night by the full moon, I took to one knee I knew she was shy, but when I did show her The ring I done bought her, she started to cry TELL IT RIGHT - NO MORE YOUR TALL TALE LIES NEVER A SEASON LASTS - UNDER THE FUTURE WE BURY THE PAST That night that she kissed me, her feathers and wings fell off, I’m telling the truth Your Nan was a harpy, and her talons are still right there, inside her shoes...
Painted gold, and looking old, the ornament sat on the counter Fingers cold and sinking souled, the woman was biting her nails Granny said, it'd keep them fed, this mysterious family heirloom But he shook his head, said "maybe $10?", the man at the second hand store She stormed outside scratching her skin, cursing her Nan on her Dad's side Pictured her wrinkly grin, and threw the thing in the bin... Her little kid (let's call him "Syd") woke up the next morning for breakfast Pulled up the lid of the kitchen bin, and saw what his mother threw out He pulled it out, and wiped it down, didn't even finish his cereal A little mount just popped right out, and out fell a tied up old scroll A picture of a moss-covered cave & Syd just made out the inscription - "To them that are seeking the gold must be prepared to MEET THE SLOTH AT MIDNIGHT - HERE BY THE ROCKS MEET THE SLOTH AT TWELVE O'CLOCK ON THE DOT BUT IF HE'S LATE, DON'T BLAME HIM HE'LL BE BUSY MEASURING THE VERY APPROXIMATE DISTANCE…” He bellowed out "I'm going out!" and put on his big yellow jacket "Without a doubt, I'll save the house!" He followed the map on his bike And look at him, just pedalling & ferociously head for the mountains With bleeding shin and dribbled chin, onward and upward he rode They’d have nowhere else they could live And Ma wasn't great with finances The man from the council, would give ‘em only 1 or 2 more months But he met a swamp, he had to stop. His bike would no way make it over And through the fog he saw the spot - the cave the map had detailed Too many rocks, no way to cross - at least not that he was aware of At a loss, the chilly frost blue’d up the poor lad’s lips and face Consulting the map one more time, smoothing his hand o’er the wrinkles He scratched off the dirt and the grime, there underneath said - MEET THE SLOTH AND WAIT RIGHT THERE BY THE SWAMP WAIT FOR SLOTH TO JOURNEY DOWN FROM THE TOP LET HIM GUIDE YOU, FOLLOW HIM TRUST IN HIS PERMANENT GRIN On the rock, patiently waiting for the 3 toed one to come He sat and watched out there for hours Was half-expecting him to crawl out from the black disgusting cave When there he hung... And slowly down he climbed from the Cecropia tree that hung overhead So gently so…. With a giant calming smile, he greeted Syd and handed him some leaves The kid politely tried to eat. With outstretched arms, he motioned the direction the two of them should head Syd followed up.... hmm hmm hmm…. [it is said that the spirits of the forest keep track of every life] Time would go, and wrinkles showed the journey, it just took forever 20 years? 30 years? Who knew exactly how long? And as you know, sloths are slow, and they only get older and slower He felt done wrong, but before long, was hit with epiphany. Blissfully inhaled the breeze, and opened up to his surroundings Took one more mouthful of leaves, and he just carried on Syd too was old, and all that gold, it no longer seemed to matter It’d been so long, his mother's gone, surely she died by now Not alone, he felt at home, at one with the forest and creatures The sloth he smiled (he ALWAYS smiled) laid down in the flora and passed... The moths flew and fell from his fur, now a meal for a family of pumas And Syd would not dare interfere with the fate of his friend LEAVE THE SLOTH BEHIND AND KEEP HEADING NORTH LEAVE THE SLOTH ALONE AND KEEP GOING FORTH FOLLOWED BLIND, BUT FOUND YOUR WAY THE GOLD STILL SITS THERE TO THIS DAY IN THAT GROSS MOSS-COVERED CAVE...
Geese Lycan 02:41
I am the one you fear at night and though by day my coat is pure and white, with blood soaked feathers, clad in leather I’ll... PECK! PECK! PECK! PECK! All shall fall when I waddle the streets, For tonight it's more than bread I’ll eat, And in your dying thoughts – my blood curdling honk! I thought it just a tale/ I thought Pop just had too many ales Now my hands are shaky and my face is all pale I better run, run, run When the goosebumps crawl and the hair stands on end You better hide in the bushes, or wherever you can Part goose, part wolf....but I hear he's ALL man ;) Please, O Great Goosey, We've done no harm! Spare our lives, won't you? Hear our plea... I DON'T THINK SO. AHHHHHHHH! “ITSA GEESE LYCAN!” HOOOOOOOONK... All is lost, so offer up your daily bread, Sacrifice to the winged ones. Lay down your crumbs at their webbed feet, You may be spared from the frenzy of the mighty feathered beast.


I've been working extremely hard on the next release, entitled "What Kind of Creature Am I?". For those that know the music of Toehider, I can guarantee I've taken the eclectic craziness, diversity, haunting stories and humour all to the next level. I'd even go as far to say that it's my best work to date.

With all the goodwill from fans over the past year, I really want to give people the kind of album and packaging that does full justice to Salty’s artwork and your incredible comments about the music.

With your help, we've done just that. Thank you!


released July 11, 2014

Mike Mills - everything

Andrew Saltmarsh - artwork


all rights reserved



Toehider Melbourne, Australia

The work of musician Micheal Mills and artist Andrew Saltmarsh.

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